I’m back!…..More wisdom, but mostly nonsense!

Posted July 13, 2012 by Dan Marquez
Categories: 4th of July, Air conditioning, Humor

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So here I was, minding my own business, enjoying the greatest invention ever in human history (air conditioning), when I decided to get out the laptop in the now-finished basement, and do a little internet cruising so I could get the latest info of what’s going on in the world, find out if it was true that TomKat were getting divorced and whether Katie would get whacked by some uber-secret Scientology mob squad that couldn’t take the divorce of such a high profile member, particularly without the proper restitution paid for the anti-nuptials (can she get out with 2 pigs and a goat, or are they much more cynical wanting to use some scalable compound interest scheme and they wanted her’s and Suri’s total earnings for the next 19 years?). 

Is this REALLY a religion???….”My friendsa……the CEO – er BIG GUY does NOT approve of your hoarding your cash! He wants you to SHARE those dollars with the company – er, church, which is why we need to see your last 5 tax returns and any offshore holdings to make sure we – er, the kingdom gets it’s fair share! Bless you – er, God bless”

Of course I was still living in relative bliss, basking in the glow of King James’ first of hopefully many basketball crowns in a stunning turnaround of a series if you watched game 1, and my annual sports-slowdown period had begun now that basketball was officially over. 

(sniff)…Congrats LeBron!…..Take THAT all you doubters!!…………you complete me…(sniff)

Before I go into a rant about why this is the single worst time of the year for weather and sports-related reasons, I have to finish the thought about minding my own business and how it relates to my writing these nonsensical, yet wildly entertaining posts (not my opinion, but opinions of actual readers! – all 5 of them!).  Over the course of a week, I had no less than 7 mentions from people about why I stopped writing these posts, that they looked forward to them, blah, blah, blah.  Even my Mom-in-law mentioned it during a vacay drive-by and I realized that God, the universe, or aliens were telling me to pick up the keyboard again and spew words all over the page once more. 

“Ok…..Mr. Funnyman……we’re sorry, but we FINALLY got to the point where our laughing started making our lips separate and we could eat jello for the first time and not just drink our dinner through a straw! So I’m sorry. Either you start writing your crap again, or the dog gets the cow treatment!”

I realized I missed it, realized that it was as much fun for me as it was for anyone else, and so there.  The decision was made, and I’m going to continue.   That’s about as big of a revelation as there will be about it.  Decisions are easy sometimes… 

Yeah, see, I figured the answer was easy cuz he’s an Eagles fan. Turns out he’s the charter member of my fan club……..so, ummm……thanks Man….much love…

So, as I say, here I was chillin’ (literally – GOD I love A/C) and realized that I should start writing again, and then the mental gymnastics of what to write about jumped to mind next.  After all, the world has been literally (one of my kid’s new favorite words) begging to be written about lately!  What with the friggin GIANTS winning the friggin SUPER BOWL, Kentucky starting the first ever NBA All-Star Rookie team and winning a title with it, the school year ending and the annual we’re-going-to-have-more-fun-than-you-are-for-the-next-3-months-so-would-you-feed-the-dogs-on-your-way-to-work ritual, the great LeBron James finally silencing his many detractors by turning in one of the greatest playoff and championship performances of all time, this so-called ‘global warming’ that was ‘climate change’ 3 months ago when you could walk on a frozen bridge from VA to Alaska, and our water softener deciding to commit ritual suicide and now the ladies’ skin feels all gritty so we are propping up lotion futures for the rest of the year, the topics were literally stacked so high I had to step over them on the way to the john. – Longest ever run-on sentence concluded. 

Really?!…..Really?!…….Again?!…….Are you friggin kidding me??!!……UGH!……where are my meds?…..

As a result, I stayed true to myself and decided…..screw it!  I will write about nothing as I always have!!

Side rant:  Okay, I HATE the heat!  I hate it so much that I curse it every day from June to September.  Just ask the ladies in the house.  They hate me cursing it as much as I hate having to curse it!  I’m convinced that we are 1 day above 110 away from moving about 500 miles further North.  There is absolutely nothing of value from the heat.  And don’t say I’m a wuss.  I was born and raised in the friggin desert and lived there for 20+ years of my life.  I learned desert things, like how to play outside in 112 degree weather for hours at a time.  We hated it, but even together, the 5 of my closest friends and I still didn’t bring in enough income from paper routes and lawn mowing (ok, in the desert with water restrictions, you’re not exactly ‘mowing’ a lawn, but more of a leveling the dirt kinda thingy) to afford to divorce our parents and move to a cooler locale until we finished growing up and got married, so you dealt. 

Joey, we did it!….we finally have enough cash to pay the legal fees so we can file for divorce from our parents and then we can FINALLY move to Alaska like we planned! PLUS we now have 20% down and don’t have to pay PMI, which will save us a ton of money on the mortgage!!……ummmm…….what does that even mean??……do you wanna get some pixie sticks?!

We did a lot of things with fireworks and click-clacks.  Does anyone remember click-clacks, which were one click or clack away from being a bola, which is an oddly effective hunting tool for young kids? 

The click-clack, responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent children in the US…..ok, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, but didn’t they hurt like hell when you panicked and they came around and hit you on the wrist!!

Catching horny toads (we couldn’t say horned) and squeezing them to watch blood squirt out of their eyes, and ripping tails off of lizards and laughing as they ran off to tell their lizard friends about the horrors.  You know, desert stuff.  And yes, we terrorized lizards and toads (is it a lizard or a toad – I have no idea). 

Kind of an odd defense, don’t you think? Isn’t that exactly what the predators are hoping for? I’m thinking that would motivate a predator to see what’s under those spines……just sayin

We were kids and that’s what kids do when they aren’t playing Playstation 9 hours a day and getting pissed at Mom cuz she didn’t buy the real ho-hos but the generic version at the supermarket since she couldn’t support the kid’s habit with the name brand stuff.  And no cellphones, so texting, thankfully, was not an option.  So I’m a heat veteran and that is one of the reasons I left the desert!  I was tired of it.  And now the friggin 100+ degree temperatures have hit us for a week and I want to hurt somebody. 

Yeah, you think the dog is happy or at least finding some relief? You have NO idea what was going on in my basement with me on the concrete floor buck nekkid…….you’re welcome for my not showing….

That’s totally unnecessary in the Midwest.  I’m sorry God, but I want to log a formal complaint.  What good does the heat do?  It jacks up your electricity bill, it burns everything your wife asked you to plant outside in the Spring.  It jacks up the water bill as you try desperately to keep the stupid flowers alive.  It makes the dogs stay inside where it’s cool so they get lazy and fat and sleep 14 hours a day in the hopes it is all a bad dream.  It makes everyone cranky who gets in the car when you’re running errands since no car A/C unit can make a car go from 130 – 65 fast enough to stop the trail of sweat down everybody’s clothes.  And irritable.  Everyone gets irritable.  So nothing good ever comes of it.  Of course the next thing that happens are all of the climate-change / global-warming nutjobs seize the opportunity to come out of the woodwork and scream, “SEE!  Global Warming!  DOOM!  DOOM to Man!!!  Everyone stop driving, cut off the electricity and live like the Amish!!”  or something like that.  At least it adds entertainment value to the summer.

“What?! You’ve GOTTA be kidding me Brother Zachariah!…..They decided NOT to have air conditioning, refrigerators, electricity, or high definition TV??? THEIR CARS TOO????…..Wow…..they are stupid! All because THEY think they can change like…..the WHOLE planet??…….wow…..they are stupid!

It is damn hot though!  They said it was the hottest week in the St. Louis area since like 1936!  Crazy!  Oh wait…..WHY WAS IT SO HOT IN 1936????  If this is all man-made what the hell were they doing in 1936???  I looked it up, there were 138 million people in 1936 in the US.  Today there is over 313 million.  The population has grown over 226% since 1936 and we’re just NOW causing enough havoc with our fancy cars and fancy manufacturing plants that we’re FINALLY getting back to 1936 levels???  I don’t care how productive U.S. folks were in 1936, they couldn’t possibly have made up the difference and polluted the hell out of the world at over 2 times the rate we can today!  I blame it on Hitler!  His war machine was really cranking up, so maybe his war machine creation thingies were so bad that it got the whole world to a heckuva man-made global warming state!  When in doubt blame Bush! – er Hitler! – side rant concluded.

The father of global warming! And nobody ever realized it. Isn’t he lucky that he didn’t have to deal with Al Gore!

But I hate this time of year as I’ve said, it’s the worst time of the year by far.  Not just the weather aspect, which really sucks, but from a sports perspective these are the dark days.  As I said, basketball is officially over, so there’s that sadness.  Football is a distant dream on the horizon.  That leaves us with baseball, tennis, soccer, and golf.  Ugh.  I don’t begrudge anyone who actually likes those sports, but I have tried MULTIPLE times to watch these sports on TV, and ummmm…..I can’t.  Baseball is so broken it should be given up as a failed experiment.  The only reason people pay attention is because there is NOTHING ELSE ON! 

‘peanuts and cracker jacks’? I thought that was just a song! Dad actually bought us peanuts and cracker jacks……it took me 7 minutes to stomp on every single peanut and throw the cracker jacks at that cute girl in the front row…..NOW what do we do? There’s still 7 2/3 innings left!!’

Tennis used to be kinda cool back in the Chris Everett / Martina Navratilova / John McEnroe days, but only kinda.  We watched cuz there was NOTHING ELSE ON!  And soccer.  Well….soccer is probably just tolerable to play, but to ask someone to actually watch a full 90 minute match / game / contest / whatever can be considered abuse in several counties and states.  Even the fans in the stadiums are bored out of their minds.  Well, that’s not true.  They are drunk out of their minds and all swaying and chanting / humming in the stands to try and make it interesting, cuz even being there and watching those little guys kick the ball around back and forth can be pretty tough when you realized you gave up a Saturday afternoon that you could have spent sheering a sheep or something. 

ummm….ok…..so maybe I spoke a little too soon about how bored soccer fans must be…..but I still think this makes my point that some of the ‘fans’ make the game MUCH more interesting than the actual game….just sayin

 I’ll break down the miseries of those sports in more detail in a future post, but essentially this time period sucks because it is 56 DAYS until the NFL kicks off the 2012 season.  UGH!  That’s like 350 dog days!  BUT, there is happy news!  This year we have the Olympics again!  I LOVE the Olympics!  Who doesn’t?  Some of the greatest athletes in the world get together and go head to head to determine which country has the best athletes in the world, and it’s always the U.S.A.!  Especially the summer Olympics!  We clean up at the summer games!  Well we did until that freakish space alien Usain Bolt joined out of Jamaica and ran faster than most 4 legged animals and even had a chance to pose for a pic before crossing the finish line the last time.  So apart from the 2 events he runs in, we have a good chance at everything else!

“Hey Mom! Look! I’m winning!”…..yes, he ran the 100 in 2 seconds….no joke. You couldn’t watch it live because you would miss it. You had to watch the instant replay to see him in slow motion, which was an olympic first…

Side rant #2:  What happened to all of the patriotism and national pride all of a sudden??  I bring up the Olympics and some of the people at work moaned something about it being ‘all commercial’ and ‘too many pros’, and ‘it’s not like it used to be’….WHAT?!  Who cares??!!  This is your COUNTRY!  Competing against all of the other countries that chose to field a team!!  How can you NOT get all warm and fuzzy, and yes, choked up when you see some athlete whose name you just learned, beat the rest of the WORLD in his / her event and they stand there with tears in their eyes as the flag gets raised and our national anthem starts playing???  It’s the culmination of their dream to compete for their country.  They put in thousands of hours of blood, sweat, and tears to get themselves ready to perform at the highest level at the right time and then the time comes and they came through and everything they did to prepare was worth it!  That HAS to make you proud and happy for them! 

The culmination of 4 years of hard work and preparation. There has to be nothing like winning and being considered the best in the world after all that sacrifice! The greatest thing about the Olympics!

But it’s not just the Olympic pride, but pure national patriotism that’s lacking.  I fly a flag every day of the year.  I believe it’s the least I can do to show anyone who comes by that I’m proud to be an American.  And during particular holidays, such as Memorial Day or Independence Day, I line my yard with small flags as well, as they demand special attention and remembrance.  But this year, neighbors were snickering at that ‘crazy Dan’ outside in a billion degree heat planting his flags before the 4th of July.  We have 54 homes in our subdivision that’s in a giant circle, and I counted and there were 3 total flags, including my own flying for the 4th!  THREE!  What the hell?? 

Is this really a bygone era? Really? I’ve got nuthin funny to say. I’m more sad than anything…

We were out running errands and thought about it being the 4thand looked around and started counting the flags that people had up.  There were less than 10 that we could count coming home from about 5 miles away and passing subdivision after subdivision and business after business.  Even the fire stations were empty!  I remember as a kid the fire stations would have flags all over their poperty lines.  But not anymore.  I tell you what though, almost everyone I talked to were pissed that it was so hot and dry that they couldn’t shoot off their fireworks this year, which was totally going to ruin their barbeques and their fireworks shows!……wow….What’s happening to this country?  I could give my opinion, clearly, but this is once again, just too long and I need to wrap it up for this new chapter…..I want my country back – rant concluded. 

I love, love, LOVE fireworks! But ya gotta always remember that it’s ALL about the flag people and everything it represents. Don’t forget. Don’t EVER forget! God bless the USA!

Hopefully you are enjoying the greatest invention ever by man and staying cool.  Hopefully you have found something to buy yourself some time until football begins and the temperatures drop.  And for God’s sake….go buy a freakin FLAG, and fly it PROUDLY every chance you get!  Show the kids all that is great about this country!

Next Time:  Where to start??  The Olympics!  Did I mention they were starting again???  And what about bacon! – Yum!

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